I lose a lot of time wondering about viewership a lot. Fans, reach… marketing, audience, etc. Between that and finances, this is where my depression lies.
Thoughts of feeling inadequate.
Not working hard enough.
Not finishing enough.
I fall into this hole on the regular. I'll miss an entire day to the negativity.
I wonder if you are like that too.
I wonder if you've figured it out.
There I am lost again. Falling into a trap I've set for myself.
Will it cage me? Did I set the latch?
I ink these pages with such passion, and it feels like only the ghosts are calling back. "Great job, I love where you are heading with the story! I'm excited for the next bit!"
The work slips into the ether.
Are you watching?
The internet has become such a need for creators to promote.
But being on this side of the glass is so cold.
The world looks bright out there.
Do you know I’m here?
I have so many things I want to accomplish.
Some that I have, and get so turned around that I just need to focus.
Have I lost you in the shuffle?
When the shadows have overcome me, had I spoke would you have stayed?
Sometimes I'm not strong enough to battle these on my own.
I'm sorry if I've ever ghosted on you, I hope you know that this was never my intent.
I'm consumed by the fog, and I'm trying to find my way out.
I'm trying to air it out, and hope that I can find some clarity.
It's a slow death, leaving small open wounds that you tell yourself that it's no big deal, 'just a scratch'. But your life just seeps out little by little.
Most of the day I'll tell myself. 'I need to figure out how to _______'
But then by the end of the day I'm left with a lot to figure out, and am being crushed by the depression of not know what it is I'm supposed to start with.
Motivations change, is it for love or money? Both? Hopefully people will see the value in your art, and they will be willing to support it financially so you can keep creating.
But then I feel like it's a step backwards into the social acceptable jobs field to make others lives better while you survive yours.
More times than not, I feel like I'm walking in the wrong direction, but my heart keeps pulling me there.